so the reason that i didn't post last week is that i am a slack bastard and was on holidays. i blame the dutch though. when in doubt, blame the dutch, try it! it works.
i hope that everyone is coming tomorrow night to the Another Dimension show to end all shows! rain, hail, shine, or other the show will go on.
so without any further ado, here is what you have been waiting for for the last two week...
TOP TEN LITTLE USED EUPHEMISMS FOR SEX
10. Fucking Chinase
9. Driving hard down the fairway with a good one wood.
8. Giving the one-gun salute
7. "Finding Nemo"
6. Pulling the 'pig-skin bus' into 'tuna town'
5. (One for the footballers) "Raping"
4. Visiting Bakers Delight
3. Engaging in sexual intercourse
2. WWW-ing until you dot com
And the number one most least used euphamism for sex is....
1. "Dining" at the "Red Sea on Rundle"
Don't eat the yellow snow
Friday, April 30, 2004
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
I have taken to writing lists. You know, short ones, so I remember to do things. Ill go to bed, and before I go to sleep, I'll jot down a few things, so that tomorrow has a logical order. Well, when I woke up this morning, at the abhorrent hour of 9am, there were a whole lot of things on my list of "Things that Nick would rather do than go to Uni" In fact, going to Uni was right down the bottom of my list of bad ideas for today, right after "invade Russia for a land war during the winter".
Just for interests sake, here is the "Things that Nick would rather do than go to Uni" list:
- Stay in bed
- Sit at home and watch 8 hours of M*A*S*H*
- Get drunk off of dry martini's while learning to sing the entire score of "West Side Story"
- Visit the doctor for highly invasive proctological surgery, then taking a 8 kilometer hike.
- Flip M&M's into my mouth from a distance to try and get a record
- Seal up my shower with plumbers sealant in an attempt to make the worlds first "Walk-in bong"
- Play guitar till my fingers bleed, then play some more.
- When my fingers are red raw and useless, learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" with my tongue
- Have intimate relations with a hole in a splintery piece of balsa wood.
- Watch taped episodes of "Alias" while fantasizing about Jennifer Garner.
Yes, All of those things I would have preferred to do than go to Uni. But, being the good little soldier that I am (And remembering I still put "Student" under occupation on any official form) I compromised with myself. I stayed in bed for 20 more minutes, watched 2 episodes of M*A*S*H over breakfast, ate a packet of M&M's in the car to uni, and then sat in biology and legal fantasizing about Jennifer Garner. (If you have seen my legal tutor or bio lecturer, you would know how hard that is). I thought I would leave the drinking and/or getting high till the weekend. And regrettably, I decided to leave the ass doctor and balsa wood for a different day. Yay, Uni. I bought some more textbooks, and now I have to right a lab report AND a 1000 word critique to write. The former by Thursday and the latter by Friday. Legal was lots of fun, when asked by the tutor "What the best part of the holidays was" the boys "Fuck-up" group at the back (ie: Mine) unanimously decided that the best part was "The beer" and second best was "Being so drunk that we forgot the exam, and the rest of the holidays." One of them fell in a fire while wasted and has the scars to prove it.
I'm so excited I might jizz my pants.
While on that topic, this Saturday it is time to par-tay hearty up at Marty?s. Nick and Daw performing live to be taped and sent overseas. (If I get off my lazy arse in time, ie: before they get back)
Remember, If the Matrix movies did nothing else, it signposted nerds for us. They are the ones in GIANT leather jackets.
Just for interests sake, here is the "Things that Nick would rather do than go to Uni" list:
- Stay in bed
- Sit at home and watch 8 hours of M*A*S*H*
- Get drunk off of dry martini's while learning to sing the entire score of "West Side Story"
- Visit the doctor for highly invasive proctological surgery, then taking a 8 kilometer hike.
- Flip M&M's into my mouth from a distance to try and get a record
- Seal up my shower with plumbers sealant in an attempt to make the worlds first "Walk-in bong"
- Play guitar till my fingers bleed, then play some more.
- When my fingers are red raw and useless, learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" with my tongue
- Have intimate relations with a hole in a splintery piece of balsa wood.
- Watch taped episodes of "Alias" while fantasizing about Jennifer Garner.
Yes, All of those things I would have preferred to do than go to Uni. But, being the good little soldier that I am (And remembering I still put "Student" under occupation on any official form) I compromised with myself. I stayed in bed for 20 more minutes, watched 2 episodes of M*A*S*H over breakfast, ate a packet of M&M's in the car to uni, and then sat in biology and legal fantasizing about Jennifer Garner. (If you have seen my legal tutor or bio lecturer, you would know how hard that is). I thought I would leave the drinking and/or getting high till the weekend. And regrettably, I decided to leave the ass doctor and balsa wood for a different day. Yay, Uni. I bought some more textbooks, and now I have to right a lab report AND a 1000 word critique to write. The former by Thursday and the latter by Friday. Legal was lots of fun, when asked by the tutor "What the best part of the holidays was" the boys "Fuck-up" group at the back (ie: Mine) unanimously decided that the best part was "The beer" and second best was "Being so drunk that we forgot the exam, and the rest of the holidays." One of them fell in a fire while wasted and has the scars to prove it.
I'm so excited I might jizz my pants.
While on that topic, this Saturday it is time to par-tay hearty up at Marty?s. Nick and Daw performing live to be taped and sent overseas. (If I get off my lazy arse in time, ie: before they get back)
Remember, If the Matrix movies did nothing else, it signposted nerds for us. They are the ones in GIANT leather jackets.
Sunday, April 25, 2004
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, for me, they only produce questions.
This one, for example, Presents many questions:
(For those who dont know, this picture contains, From left: Dave Matthews, of Dave Matthews Band, John Mayer and Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty)
1)Where in the fucking world could I have gone to see Dave Matthews Band, John Mayer and Matchbox 20 all in the one night! Cause THAT would be money well spent!
2) Why is Dave so surly?
3) Is John high? He looks high! Monkey boy!
4) Why is Rob about to cry?
5) I can see both of John's hands, but where is Rob's going?
6) Why am I not wearing pants?
Well, in answer to question six. It was a very exciting photo for me. You understand that right?
And this one, well, This is just a cool photo.
John Mayer and David LaBruyere.
You probably wont be able to see those for a while, but I was bored and needed to do an image related post.
By the way, I think I promised photo's from the other night, Adelaide style. Here they are.
Mmmmmm Acoustic. Some fuckin' 3x5 action y'all!
mmmmmmmmmmm Electric.
Pointing back at the band.
Wait, Is he using someone's fucking camera to play his guitar?
I think he's using someones camera as a slide! Now thats classy.
Not so classy, but it wouldn't be Mayer without fucked up facials.
Stone cold rockin' pose. Guitar switching midway through a song? Also classy
Not from the other night, but added due to coolness value:
This picture appears in the dictionary next to the words "ART HOUSE"
Don't do drugs, Drugs are bad.
Thats it kids!
This one, for example, Presents many questions:
(For those who dont know, this picture contains, From left: Dave Matthews, of Dave Matthews Band, John Mayer and Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty)
1)Where in the fucking world could I have gone to see Dave Matthews Band, John Mayer and Matchbox 20 all in the one night! Cause THAT would be money well spent!
2) Why is Dave so surly?
3) Is John high? He looks high! Monkey boy!
4) Why is Rob about to cry?
5) I can see both of John's hands, but where is Rob's going?
6) Why am I not wearing pants?
Well, in answer to question six. It was a very exciting photo for me. You understand that right?
And this one, well, This is just a cool photo.
John Mayer and David LaBruyere.
You probably wont be able to see those for a while, but I was bored and needed to do an image related post.
By the way, I think I promised photo's from the other night, Adelaide style. Here they are.
Mmmmmm Acoustic. Some fuckin' 3x5 action y'all!
mmmmmmmmmmm Electric.
Pointing back at the band.
Wait, Is he using someone's fucking camera to play his guitar?
I think he's using someones camera as a slide! Now thats classy.
Not so classy, but it wouldn't be Mayer without fucked up facials.
Stone cold rockin' pose. Guitar switching midway through a song? Also classy
Not from the other night, but added due to coolness value:
This picture appears in the dictionary next to the words "ART HOUSE"
Don't do drugs, Drugs are bad.
Thats it kids!
Saturday, April 24, 2004
What the fuck am I doing up so late? Sitting around playing guitar.
I think I have a problem.
A great man once said, that a true genius is someone who has found something more enthralling than sex, and dedicates themselves to it.
Now, I'm not saying that I am a genius or anything, but whoever said that was surely on to something. See, since I lack the capacity for sexing (No, smart asses, I have the equipment, just not the rest of the team.) Not that it requires a team per se, self-love is of course an option (Don’t knock it, It’s sex with someone I love; Woody Allen said that), but that’s like practicing for tennis by hitting the ball up against a wall. Sure, you might hone some skills, get a bit of exercise and kill a bit of time, but do it too often and you will bore yourself to death. (Or maybe your arm will drop off from overuse) You don’t have any REAL fun till you partner up, grab a court and bash that ball around for an hour or so. (Yes, I enjoy the sport euphemism very much; I think I will continue it.) So anyway, while everyone else in the world is out playing tennis (or beating a ball against a wall,) I’m sitting at home playing some guitar. In other words, if things keep going the way they are going, I'm going to get really good at the guitar.
I’m rambling again aren’t I?
Daw didn’t get a rant in by Friday, so I’ll have to kick him in the arse and get him moving on it. You should see it up here before Monday, complete with a Top ten list of course.
I think I may well have to go to bed now.
Shout out to all those out there who are still reading, despite my obvious insanity. Since this was a quasi-sex themed post, I’m going to leave you with one of my favourite quotes on the subject.
“Average, run–of–the–mill sex is like sitting and banging a coke can with a mallet. Foreplay is like a 200 box of crayons and a couple of hundred different types of paper. “
Mayer said that. And he’s damn right.
Seacrest out.
I think I have a problem.
A great man once said, that a true genius is someone who has found something more enthralling than sex, and dedicates themselves to it.
Now, I'm not saying that I am a genius or anything, but whoever said that was surely on to something. See, since I lack the capacity for sexing (No, smart asses, I have the equipment, just not the rest of the team.) Not that it requires a team per se, self-love is of course an option (Don’t knock it, It’s sex with someone I love; Woody Allen said that), but that’s like practicing for tennis by hitting the ball up against a wall. Sure, you might hone some skills, get a bit of exercise and kill a bit of time, but do it too often and you will bore yourself to death. (Or maybe your arm will drop off from overuse) You don’t have any REAL fun till you partner up, grab a court and bash that ball around for an hour or so. (Yes, I enjoy the sport euphemism very much; I think I will continue it.) So anyway, while everyone else in the world is out playing tennis (or beating a ball against a wall,) I’m sitting at home playing some guitar. In other words, if things keep going the way they are going, I'm going to get really good at the guitar.
I’m rambling again aren’t I?
Daw didn’t get a rant in by Friday, so I’ll have to kick him in the arse and get him moving on it. You should see it up here before Monday, complete with a Top ten list of course.
I think I may well have to go to bed now.
Shout out to all those out there who are still reading, despite my obvious insanity. Since this was a quasi-sex themed post, I’m going to leave you with one of my favourite quotes on the subject.
“Average, run–of–the–mill sex is like sitting and banging a coke can with a mallet. Foreplay is like a 200 box of crayons and a couple of hundred different types of paper. “
Mayer said that. And he’s damn right.
Seacrest out.
Friday, April 23, 2004
Retail therapy kicks ass.
I made a promise with myself that with my inheritance, I would pay off my uni fees and gear, and the amount of money I paid to the uni I would then spend on myself to right the balance of the universe.
The result: Many new CD's, a good mood and a new attitude for Nick.
Thats right campers, I have hauled my lazy ass out of the two month long self-depreciating bad mood.
Music is cool, but not as cool as SRV.
I made a promise with myself that with my inheritance, I would pay off my uni fees and gear, and the amount of money I paid to the uni I would then spend on myself to right the balance of the universe.
The result: Many new CD's, a good mood and a new attitude for Nick.
Thats right campers, I have hauled my lazy ass out of the two month long self-depreciating bad mood.
Music is cool, but not as cool as SRV.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
John Mayer
Man, Last night fucking rocked.
It went down a little like this:
No Such Thing
Clarity
My Stupid Mouth
Wheel
3x5
Only Heart
Daughters
Why Georgia
Your Body Is a Wonderland
Come back to bed
Bigger Than My Body
83
Encore:
Hummingbird
Neon
That might well change after I get a look at the real setlist.
Mayer was a few minutes late taking the stage, but apologized because he was “in the bathroom.” We suspect it is because he had to run in from Melbourne after appearing on Rove Live. After greeting the somewhat relaxed Adelaide crowd, they opened it up with two singles, just to make those who were there ONLY because of the singles happy. After that, most people sat their asses down and slept until Wonderland. Dela heard our screams of “Do me Dela”, “We love you Dela” and “Where’s the Dela?”, He responded with a chuckle, and most of the people around us looked at us and said “Who?”
Before the concert, Daw assured us that “My Stupid Mouth” would not be played, at all, full stop, red dot, no returns. But, after John’s 10 minute monologue about talking too much and making the point…
“Look, it used to be that the first person to say thankyou was the cool one, so it would be “Mmmm, Thankyou for dinner” and then everyone else would be like “Yeah, thanks for dinner”, “Thankyou”, Now that competition for coolness has reached the point where people are saying thankyou before dinner is even over, and that’s not cool with me”
Wheel rolled out on a purple strat with a trademark solo of goodness. Quickly followed up by my personal favourite 3x5 with the AGT intro and stone cold rockin’ of MC Chaves himself. Only Heart was a surprise addition, played on a triangular shaped traveler guitar, which deviated from Mayer’s usual strat-happy sets. A soft acoustic intro led happily into Daughters, which made some of the crowd happy. Why Georgia turned me on, and they turned it up to get the crowd to sing, but the folks sitting around us looked at us like we were nuts, as we were the only ones standing, and the only ones singing. Wonderland dragged a few more people to their feet, and guys who had been dragged along by their girlfriends took the advantage to slip it in, or dance, or sing to their women, to be perceived as sweet (Like the ugly couple in front of me). Kevin Lovejoy, tour pianist (Who looks surprisingly like one of the creators of South Park) shared a “Heart and soul” style keyboard solo with Mayer, as they both fought for space behind the keys. The solo of come back to bed was so long, it was practically another song (It ran over 10 minutes). In a sign of pure class, during said solo, Mayer reached down into the crowd, plucked a digital camera from the hand of a screaming teenage fan, and used it as a slide to play his guitar. Now I have seen this done with a lot of things, Cigarette lighters, the neck of a beer bottle, and an 8 inch black plastic dildo, but never with a fans camera. Since it was a camera, Mayer took some extreme close ups as he played, before handing the camera back to the now almost comatose gal. Chaves whipped out the “Dempsey guitar” or, red Gibson, and you knew shit was about to get serious. 83 came in as a surprise, and we went nuts as he included Adelaide in the solo. Walking off, then wandering sheepishly back on after about 5 minutes for the encore, John opened it up again with a new song “Hummingbird” of which I am convinced that I was the only one who knew the words. Then sent us home with the perennial crowd pleaser “Neon”, which was jazzed up some with the addition of a sax and a trumpet in the solo.
The set kicked absolute ass, and if not for two fat wenches who were blocking me at the front while talking on their phones at the end. I would have the setlist. As it happened, I was trying to squeeze my way through the two large mountains of blubber when some random dude walked up from the other side, talked to the roadie and snatched his setlist prize. Oh well, I got a t-shirt.
I might get some pictures up later, But due to anal retentive security guards and proximity to the stage, not many of them turned out very good at all.
Marty picked us up with cola and salted snacks. And that’s why we love him.
Also, Marty and I watch too much Starship Troopers.
[ Marty ] Nuke em Rico!) has joined the conversation.
Snowman: *Rico Nukes 'em* Booooom!
[ Marty ] Nuke em Rico!: hehe
*ground explodes in sequential matter, and interestingly resembles a few dozen set charges exploding in the ground*
Snowman: *rock wall falls nicely into place, blocking the flames and shockwave leaving our heroes safe*
[ Marty ] Nuke em Rico!: hehehe
[ Marty ] Nuke em Rico!: Would you like to know more?
Man, Last night fucking rocked.
It went down a little like this:
No Such Thing
Clarity
My Stupid Mouth
Wheel
3x5
Only Heart
Daughters
Why Georgia
Your Body Is a Wonderland
Come back to bed
Bigger Than My Body
83
Encore:
Hummingbird
Neon
That might well change after I get a look at the real setlist.
Mayer was a few minutes late taking the stage, but apologized because he was “in the bathroom.” We suspect it is because he had to run in from Melbourne after appearing on Rove Live. After greeting the somewhat relaxed Adelaide crowd, they opened it up with two singles, just to make those who were there ONLY because of the singles happy. After that, most people sat their asses down and slept until Wonderland. Dela heard our screams of “Do me Dela”, “We love you Dela” and “Where’s the Dela?”, He responded with a chuckle, and most of the people around us looked at us and said “Who?”
Before the concert, Daw assured us that “My Stupid Mouth” would not be played, at all, full stop, red dot, no returns. But, after John’s 10 minute monologue about talking too much and making the point…
“Look, it used to be that the first person to say thankyou was the cool one, so it would be “Mmmm, Thankyou for dinner” and then everyone else would be like “Yeah, thanks for dinner”, “Thankyou”, Now that competition for coolness has reached the point where people are saying thankyou before dinner is even over, and that’s not cool with me”
Wheel rolled out on a purple strat with a trademark solo of goodness. Quickly followed up by my personal favourite 3x5 with the AGT intro and stone cold rockin’ of MC Chaves himself. Only Heart was a surprise addition, played on a triangular shaped traveler guitar, which deviated from Mayer’s usual strat-happy sets. A soft acoustic intro led happily into Daughters, which made some of the crowd happy. Why Georgia turned me on, and they turned it up to get the crowd to sing, but the folks sitting around us looked at us like we were nuts, as we were the only ones standing, and the only ones singing. Wonderland dragged a few more people to their feet, and guys who had been dragged along by their girlfriends took the advantage to slip it in, or dance, or sing to their women, to be perceived as sweet (Like the ugly couple in front of me). Kevin Lovejoy, tour pianist (Who looks surprisingly like one of the creators of South Park) shared a “Heart and soul” style keyboard solo with Mayer, as they both fought for space behind the keys. The solo of come back to bed was so long, it was practically another song (It ran over 10 minutes). In a sign of pure class, during said solo, Mayer reached down into the crowd, plucked a digital camera from the hand of a screaming teenage fan, and used it as a slide to play his guitar. Now I have seen this done with a lot of things, Cigarette lighters, the neck of a beer bottle, and an 8 inch black plastic dildo, but never with a fans camera. Since it was a camera, Mayer took some extreme close ups as he played, before handing the camera back to the now almost comatose gal. Chaves whipped out the “Dempsey guitar” or, red Gibson, and you knew shit was about to get serious. 83 came in as a surprise, and we went nuts as he included Adelaide in the solo. Walking off, then wandering sheepishly back on after about 5 minutes for the encore, John opened it up again with a new song “Hummingbird” of which I am convinced that I was the only one who knew the words. Then sent us home with the perennial crowd pleaser “Neon”, which was jazzed up some with the addition of a sax and a trumpet in the solo.
The set kicked absolute ass, and if not for two fat wenches who were blocking me at the front while talking on their phones at the end. I would have the setlist. As it happened, I was trying to squeeze my way through the two large mountains of blubber when some random dude walked up from the other side, talked to the roadie and snatched his setlist prize. Oh well, I got a t-shirt.
I might get some pictures up later, But due to anal retentive security guards and proximity to the stage, not many of them turned out very good at all.
Marty picked us up with cola and salted snacks. And that’s why we love him.
Also, Marty and I watch too much Starship Troopers.
[ Marty ] Nuke em Rico!) has joined the conversation.
Snowman: *Rico Nukes 'em* Booooom!
[ Marty ] Nuke em Rico!: hehe
*ground explodes in sequential matter, and interestingly resembles a few dozen set charges exploding in the ground*
Snowman: *rock wall falls nicely into place, blocking the flames and shockwave leaving our heroes safe*
[ Marty ] Nuke em Rico!: hehehe
[ Marty ] Nuke em Rico!: Would you like to know more?
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
What the? Why the fuck am I awake at 7am! What the fuck is wrong with me! Reverse Insomnia? FUCKING HELL
*sigh*
Happy Birthday to Hannah by the way. Shes turing 18 (I'm shitty with dates, but its around this time period.)
She's also in the Amazon and can't read this, but meh.
*sigh*
Happy Birthday to Hannah by the way. Shes turing 18 (I'm shitty with dates, but its around this time period.)
She's also in the Amazon and can't read this, but meh.
Sunday, April 18, 2004
I just watched the Japanese version of "The Ring"
SWEET HOLY MERCIFUL CRAPFUCK! THATS THE MOST DISTURBING SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN!
Lesson over.
SWEET HOLY MERCIFUL CRAPFUCK! THATS THE MOST DISTURBING SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN!
Lesson over.
Friday, April 16, 2004
Alex Daw's Random Friday rant!
Did you hear that a stupid little 13-year-old girl in England had sexual re-assignment surgery to become and stupid little 13-year-old boy! What is Francesca doing to the country over there? I can see three problems with this.
- Firstly, she is 13; she doesn?t even know what a penis is and she wants one. How can you know at 13 that you are a guy trapped in a girl?s body? Hell Mrs. Harding doesn?t know and she is like 50!
- Secondly, how can her/his parents be that stupid? What were they thinking long term or something and thinking that they could save money by not having to buy tampons? I bet that that is the problem, the girl got her first period thought ?oh I can?t handle this shit, give me a fucking dick!?
- Thirdly, she is English! Have you not seen he English? English women basically are men! So the operation would have taken like thirty seconds. It would have been more of a legal changing of sex, not a ?add-cock-remove-ovaries? surgery type thing.
It seems to me that this ?it? girl boy needs a severe kick square in ?its? ?balls?. Maybe then ?it? will realise that there is no ease to being a guy! We have ?special areas? too! My name is Alex Daw, and that is all I have top say about that.
And now?
The top 10 Signs you are as tight as Alex Daw
10) You turn down sex at a drive in movie because you paid to see the movie.
9) You don?t know how to use an ATM because you have never ever used one before.
8) You keep a detailed dossier on the money you have loaned your girlfriend, and help her come up with an acceptable payment plan and rate of interest.
7) You will do anything for 5 cents (and we mean ANYTHING)
6) If you stick a lump of coal up your arse, in twenty minutes, you have a diamond.
5) Before you make a major purchase, you check the price at 800 different outlets, then wait 12 months for it to drop to a third of the price
4) You ask Marty if he will go Dutch.
3) You fill the back of your car up with empties after every party for the deposits
2) You demand the repayment of a ten-cent debt, thirty seconds after you loaned out the money.
And the number one sign that you are as tight as Alex Daw is?
1)The last time you paid money to see a football match is when Westies last won the grand final in ?83
Did you hear that a stupid little 13-year-old girl in England had sexual re-assignment surgery to become and stupid little 13-year-old boy! What is Francesca doing to the country over there? I can see three problems with this.
- Firstly, she is 13; she doesn?t even know what a penis is and she wants one. How can you know at 13 that you are a guy trapped in a girl?s body? Hell Mrs. Harding doesn?t know and she is like 50!
- Secondly, how can her/his parents be that stupid? What were they thinking long term or something and thinking that they could save money by not having to buy tampons? I bet that that is the problem, the girl got her first period thought ?oh I can?t handle this shit, give me a fucking dick!?
- Thirdly, she is English! Have you not seen he English? English women basically are men! So the operation would have taken like thirty seconds. It would have been more of a legal changing of sex, not a ?add-cock-remove-ovaries? surgery type thing.
It seems to me that this ?it? girl boy needs a severe kick square in ?its? ?balls?. Maybe then ?it? will realise that there is no ease to being a guy! We have ?special areas? too! My name is Alex Daw, and that is all I have top say about that.
And now?
The top 10 Signs you are as tight as Alex Daw
10) You turn down sex at a drive in movie because you paid to see the movie.
9) You don?t know how to use an ATM because you have never ever used one before.
8) You keep a detailed dossier on the money you have loaned your girlfriend, and help her come up with an acceptable payment plan and rate of interest.
7) You will do anything for 5 cents (and we mean ANYTHING)
6) If you stick a lump of coal up your arse, in twenty minutes, you have a diamond.
5) Before you make a major purchase, you check the price at 800 different outlets, then wait 12 months for it to drop to a third of the price
4) You ask Marty if he will go Dutch.
3) You fill the back of your car up with empties after every party for the deposits
2) You demand the repayment of a ten-cent debt, thirty seconds after you loaned out the money.
And the number one sign that you are as tight as Alex Daw is?
1)The last time you paid money to see a football match is when Westies last won the grand final in ?83
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Hey, Marty decided that instead of updating his own blog, he would write a guest post for mine.
And since I have legal studies to do before Thursday, I'm too busy to update myself, so here is Dutchface himself.
Ok, everyone, it's me. Marty. I decided to become a freelance writer for Nick's blog for once.
I am sure this will lift the status of this already superb blog to even loftier heights.
I have no idea how I pulled that previous fine English sentence out of my ass, but...God! it looks mighty fine.
I just realised I shouldn't use the name of God in vain, especially because it's been Easter and shit.
........
Holy mother sweet Mary Jesus Christ lord!
.......
yeah, but seriously...Jesus dying and all, it's a very stressful situation.
Honestly, I think Jesus is a great role-model. In many situations I ask myself:
"what would Jesus do?"
After pondering for a little while I realise he'd probably get crucified and die, I realise it isn't much of a help usually.
Apart from that, Jesus gets around a bit anyway..."Jesus loves everybody". Geez, goes around loving everybody, that's just not on.
That was a bit harsh, and maybe the word "Blasphemy" would be appropriate here, but no one actually really knows what that word means anyway.
That makes me wonder though...do you reckon Jesus would be a good superhero? While reading bash.org, the question arose" Who would win in a fight between Batman and Jesus?"
The answer is clear...Batman!
Does Jesus have a Christ-mobile or a utility belt? NO.
It really makes you think.
If i get smited by God any of these days, you know why!
Ok..enough about religion now! I am going to leave you all with a quote from bash.org...
Imagine what would happen if you replace the word "heart" in song lyrics with the word "arse".....
For example:
Celine Dion - My arse will go on
Bonnie Tyler - Total eclipse of the arse
Kylie Minogue - Hand on your arse
Deee-Lite - Groove is in the arse
Rod Stewart - You are in my arse
Britney Spears - Deep in my arse
Eurythmics - There must be an angel playing with my arse
John mayer - Only arse
Neil Young - Arse of Gold.
Tom Petty and Stevie Nicks: Stop dragging my arse around
Phil Collins: You'll be in my arse
Danny Bravo: One broken arse for sale
The Ataris: Bad case of a broken arse
The Beatles: Sgt Peppers lonely arse club band
Sting: Shape of my arse
Jerry Vale: Can't get you out of my arse
Nirvana: Arse shaped box
John Mcafferty: Arse on fire
and from Les Miserables: An Arse full of love.
Possibly the most appropriate one;
The Backstreet boys: Quit playing games with my arse
The list goes on. But I'll stop now.
(Editors Note: Only capitalisation and punctuation changes were made. Also, I added a few songs.)
And since I have legal studies to do before Thursday, I'm too busy to update myself, so here is Dutchface himself.
Ok, everyone, it's me. Marty. I decided to become a freelance writer for Nick's blog for once.
I am sure this will lift the status of this already superb blog to even loftier heights.
I have no idea how I pulled that previous fine English sentence out of my ass, but...God! it looks mighty fine.
I just realised I shouldn't use the name of God in vain, especially because it's been Easter and shit.
........
Holy mother sweet Mary Jesus Christ lord!
.......
yeah, but seriously...Jesus dying and all, it's a very stressful situation.
Honestly, I think Jesus is a great role-model. In many situations I ask myself:
"what would Jesus do?"
After pondering for a little while I realise he'd probably get crucified and die, I realise it isn't much of a help usually.
Apart from that, Jesus gets around a bit anyway..."Jesus loves everybody". Geez, goes around loving everybody, that's just not on.
That was a bit harsh, and maybe the word "Blasphemy" would be appropriate here, but no one actually really knows what that word means anyway.
That makes me wonder though...do you reckon Jesus would be a good superhero? While reading bash.org, the question arose" Who would win in a fight between Batman and Jesus?"
The answer is clear...Batman!
Does Jesus have a Christ-mobile or a utility belt? NO.
It really makes you think.
If i get smited by God any of these days, you know why!
Ok..enough about religion now! I am going to leave you all with a quote from bash.org...
Imagine what would happen if you replace the word "heart" in song lyrics with the word "arse".....
For example:
Celine Dion - My arse will go on
Bonnie Tyler - Total eclipse of the arse
Kylie Minogue - Hand on your arse
Deee-Lite - Groove is in the arse
Rod Stewart - You are in my arse
Britney Spears - Deep in my arse
Eurythmics - There must be an angel playing with my arse
John mayer - Only arse
Neil Young - Arse of Gold.
Tom Petty and Stevie Nicks: Stop dragging my arse around
Phil Collins: You'll be in my arse
Danny Bravo: One broken arse for sale
The Ataris: Bad case of a broken arse
The Beatles: Sgt Peppers lonely arse club band
Sting: Shape of my arse
Jerry Vale: Can't get you out of my arse
Nirvana: Arse shaped box
John Mcafferty: Arse on fire
and from Les Miserables: An Arse full of love.
Possibly the most appropriate one;
The Backstreet boys: Quit playing games with my arse
The list goes on. But I'll stop now.
(Editors Note: Only capitalisation and punctuation changes were made. Also, I added a few songs.)
I just woke up and I am grumpy. Dreams are bad. Plus I hurt my neck and gashed open my knee. The latter while jumping a fence at Dutchies.
grrrr
grrrr
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
I spent an exciting day at the Oakbank Easter racing Carnival yesterday. I bet some money on the horses, lost. Drank some beer. and wandered around (Only I have the fantastic luck to wander round a MASSIVE race meet and sight 2 ex-girlfriends, but no biggie). Anyway, all had a mostly enjoyable day. Our neighbours rocked up in a mini-bus with trailer complete with six burner barbeque, 12 person outdoor setting and turntables (As well as speakers about the size of an average kitchen cabinet. All in all, it made for a good day.
Would you people out there think any less of me if I told you I still slept with a Star Wars quilt? Cause I do. Its great, I have had it since I was about 12 years old. Its got pictures of X-wings and Y wings and all sorts of space craft.
I know, I know. By now I am too old to have a blanky, but lets face it: How up myself and egocentric and detached from reality is it possible for me to get, when I know I'm going to bed under a Star Wars Quilt? The same one I have had since I was a kid? I think it keeps me grounded to reality as well as nurturing my inner child.
Plus, Chicks dig it.
I know, I know. By now I am too old to have a blanky, but lets face it: How up myself and egocentric and detached from reality is it possible for me to get, when I know I'm going to bed under a Star Wars Quilt? The same one I have had since I was a kid? I think it keeps me grounded to reality as well as nurturing my inner child.
Plus, Chicks dig it.
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Hey Campers. I hope that Easter finds you well. The chocolate eggs are at a premium and everyone is taking a trip to cavity-ville. Porno with men with penises for noses is not for general viewing, and shouldn't really be viewed by anyone, considering that it is quite disturbing.
Nice policemen who make small talk are cool. And scary priests who take several hours to conduct a boring mass are not.
If the mighty Saints win tomorrow, I will have 8 for the round.
By the way, I'm heading out to Oakbank tomorrow, If any of you readers are around, you should hunt me down and say hi. I'm going in Daw's Subaru. My cousin is going in a limo. You know, Thats the way I would go if I had $550 dollars to spend on a limo. But I don't. So snuh!
The man on the Heineken ad looks like Max Payne.
Right now I have to go play more guitar. But I think I am going insane from over consumption of chocolate.
Nice policemen who make small talk are cool. And scary priests who take several hours to conduct a boring mass are not.
If the mighty Saints win tomorrow, I will have 8 for the round.
By the way, I'm heading out to Oakbank tomorrow, If any of you readers are around, you should hunt me down and say hi. I'm going in Daw's Subaru. My cousin is going in a limo. You know, Thats the way I would go if I had $550 dollars to spend on a limo. But I don't. So snuh!
The man on the Heineken ad looks like Max Payne.
Right now I have to go play more guitar. But I think I am going insane from over consumption of chocolate.
Friday, April 09, 2004
I just found the best nerd pick-up line ever!
"Hey baby, I wish I were your integral because then I'd be the area under all your curves."
Creepy maths nerd sex here I come!
(Don't get too excited Randell)
"Hey baby, I wish I were your integral because then I'd be the area under all your curves."
Creepy maths nerd sex here I come!
(Don't get too excited Randell)
Thursday, April 08, 2004
Sup y'all!
Me and Nick (this is Alex Daw) are going to do a weekly top ten list from now on beggining today and continuing on each subsequent Friday. Today is basically a Friday cause tomorrow is a public holiday! So expect a top ten list from our creative minds each Friday at noon (ish). Not only will be the top ten list be weekly, but it will be weakly. Come on! give me some cred for that one! i laughed. raise your hands if you laughed. its about this time that all of you people are glad that i do not have a blog of my own! however, i now have a weekly column on this blog, so I say fuck you! I am like that guy on the news who tells you what is on on the weekends. You enjoy him on Fridays, but fuck! You're glad that tosser doesnt have his own show! Well that is me. if the grammar on and punctuation on this blog entry are correct, then Nick Lucas has changed it and edited. I will try to stop him but there is only so much i can do! if you have ideas for what you would like to see as a weekly top ten list please either post them on the tag boards, tell Nick, tell me, ring Nick, ring me, email Nick, email me. and your idea will be considered and possibly even used! and if it gets used you'll be given credit for it!!!!!!!!! well enough meaningless banter for today! you can expect more of this crap to preceed each top ten list as i have my weekly rant, but for now is the inaugeral list.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME WITH NICK AND DAW
10 - You are starting to want to be John Mayer (Marty)
9 - You include the word 'bluh' in every second sentence
8 - You wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts every where you go
7 - You join in with random sing-a-longs of the 'illegal song', 'immoral song', 'Pimpin' chinase song', 'sand vagina song' and 'very art house songs'
6 - You could draw a map of "the back way" (including Combey's house) with your eyes closed.
5 - Whenever asked the question ' Do you want to do something?' your response is 'What Libbi?'
4 - You blame everything on those FUCKING CHINASE!
3 - The seemingly innocent phrase "You can't!" produces minutes of girlish giggling
2 - You want to fuck Dempsey, Matthews, and Day. (in no particular order)
And the number one sign that you are spending too much time with Nick and Daw is:
1 - Your name is Marty
Me and Nick (this is Alex Daw) are going to do a weekly top ten list from now on beggining today and continuing on each subsequent Friday. Today is basically a Friday cause tomorrow is a public holiday! So expect a top ten list from our creative minds each Friday at noon (ish). Not only will be the top ten list be weekly, but it will be weakly. Come on! give me some cred for that one! i laughed. raise your hands if you laughed. its about this time that all of you people are glad that i do not have a blog of my own! however, i now have a weekly column on this blog, so I say fuck you! I am like that guy on the news who tells you what is on on the weekends. You enjoy him on Fridays, but fuck! You're glad that tosser doesnt have his own show! Well that is me. if the grammar on and punctuation on this blog entry are correct, then Nick Lucas has changed it and edited. I will try to stop him but there is only so much i can do! if you have ideas for what you would like to see as a weekly top ten list please either post them on the tag boards, tell Nick, tell me, ring Nick, ring me, email Nick, email me. and your idea will be considered and possibly even used! and if it gets used you'll be given credit for it!!!!!!!!! well enough meaningless banter for today! you can expect more of this crap to preceed each top ten list as i have my weekly rant, but for now is the inaugeral list.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME WITH NICK AND DAW
10 - You are starting to want to be John Mayer (Marty)
9 - You include the word 'bluh' in every second sentence
8 - You wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts every where you go
7 - You join in with random sing-a-longs of the 'illegal song', 'immoral song', 'Pimpin' chinase song', 'sand vagina song' and 'very art house songs'
6 - You could draw a map of "the back way" (including Combey's house) with your eyes closed.
5 - Whenever asked the question ' Do you want to do something?' your response is 'What Libbi?'
4 - You blame everything on those FUCKING CHINASE!
3 - The seemingly innocent phrase "You can't!" produces minutes of girlish giggling
2 - You want to fuck Dempsey, Matthews, and Day. (in no particular order)
And the number one sign that you are spending too much time with Nick and Daw is:
1 - Your name is Marty
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
Hey hey! Well children, Today is the day. Today is the day I took my poor dialup modem out to the back paddock and put a few bullets in its head, before hitting it with an axe and then burning it. It caused me so much pain. So much.
In other words, Dont eat the yellow snow is now coming to you in broadband.
It doesnt really mean much for you, It just means I can get more music and porno, and get to browse the blogs a feek load faster than I used to be.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a chronic insomniac, But lately, I have been sleeping worse than I normally do, regardless, Last night, (After beer with my Uncle) I went to bed at 10:30, and fell asleep straight away only to wake up at 8. Bargain. I spent most of today trying to configure this fucking ADSL router, then on the couch, watching Scrubs. Ahhhh, Scrubs. I love it
Anyway, I fucked up my shoulders by lifting weights. Too hard, too early as Dave Hughes would say.
Oh well. I skipped Uni today, the two lectures I had werent worth going allllll the way to uni for.
By the way, If anyone wants to employ me, That would be great.
In other words, Dont eat the yellow snow is now coming to you in broadband.
It doesnt really mean much for you, It just means I can get more music and porno, and get to browse the blogs a feek load faster than I used to be.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a chronic insomniac, But lately, I have been sleeping worse than I normally do, regardless, Last night, (After beer with my Uncle) I went to bed at 10:30, and fell asleep straight away only to wake up at 8. Bargain. I spent most of today trying to configure this fucking ADSL router, then on the couch, watching Scrubs. Ahhhh, Scrubs. I love it
Anyway, I fucked up my shoulders by lifting weights. Too hard, too early as Dave Hughes would say.
Oh well. I skipped Uni today, the two lectures I had werent worth going allllll the way to uni for.
By the way, If anyone wants to employ me, That would be great.
Sunday, April 04, 2004
Big bash for Betty's 18th last night. The invitation was alliterative, and so was the entertainment, Beer bong all round! It was quickly christened the "Betro69" (Look for some photos on the blogs in the next few days). It was Eurasia versus Australia (Aka Me and Dutchy V Everyone else). Unsurprisingly, everyone else won (The tally at the end was Oz:10.6, Eurasia: 9.2) Since I have the official score sheet, I think it is only proper for me to post up the scores: (Remember, This is beers consumed via the beer bong, Not total beers consumed)
Dutchy: 7.2
Luke: 2
Nick:6.4
Mason: 4.5
Sean: 2.2
Sam:2
Daw: 0.9
Ben: (Less than Daw)
Tim: 1
Upon writing that up, I realise that Daw ( The scorekeeper) must have done some creative addition to work out those scores. Its clear that he stopped the total tallies before he stopped the individual tallies. But that is what is written on the paper so thats what I wrote.
I broke my finger crash tackling Mason. No guitar for me right now.
Regardless, it was a party well worth writing home about, and I know that I had a good time.
Dutchy was the first to puke, so he has the dubious honour of babysitting the beer bong until next weekend to remind him of his shame. On that note, I think I will end this post with a top ten list of my own creation.
Nick's Top 10 things said on Daw's Sofa bed:
10) Whose hand is that and where is it going?
9) Is that someones leg? I HOPE to christ that is someones leg.
8) How is it that that massive pole is always right up my ass!!!
7) Everybody spoon!
6) FUCK! Don't put that there!
5) Ok, everybody, shuffle around, I can't breathe.
4) Ewwww, I'm lying on that stain again.
3) What smells fishy?
2) Dude! You're taking up like half the bed!
And the number one thing said on Daw's sofa bed:
1) OH NO! MY ASS, NOT AGAIN!
Seacrest out!
Dutchy: 7.2
Luke: 2
Nick:6.4
Mason: 4.5
Sean: 2.2
Sam:2
Daw: 0.9
Ben: (Less than Daw)
Tim: 1
Upon writing that up, I realise that Daw ( The scorekeeper) must have done some creative addition to work out those scores. Its clear that he stopped the total tallies before he stopped the individual tallies. But that is what is written on the paper so thats what I wrote.
I broke my finger crash tackling Mason. No guitar for me right now.
Regardless, it was a party well worth writing home about, and I know that I had a good time.
Dutchy was the first to puke, so he has the dubious honour of babysitting the beer bong until next weekend to remind him of his shame. On that note, I think I will end this post with a top ten list of my own creation.
Nick's Top 10 things said on Daw's Sofa bed:
10) Whose hand is that and where is it going?
9) Is that someones leg? I HOPE to christ that is someones leg.
8) How is it that that massive pole is always right up my ass!!!
7) Everybody spoon!
6) FUCK! Don't put that there!
5) Ok, everybody, shuffle around, I can't breathe.
4) Ewwww, I'm lying on that stain again.
3) What smells fishy?
2) Dude! You're taking up like half the bed!
And the number one thing said on Daw's sofa bed:
1) OH NO! MY ASS, NOT AGAIN!
Seacrest out!
Thursday, April 01, 2004
Today, I decided to get some excercise after bio by running from Carpark 1 to Carpark 3 (Siberia).
That won't mean anything to people who arent from Flinders, but basically:
I HAVE CALVES OF STEEL!
Also, on the way home I almost wound up as a hood ornament on some guys car when he failed to give way at the South Road/Flagstaff Road intersection. I was turning left on the green signal, he decided to turn right early and almost kill me. It required some fancy lane changing.
That won't mean anything to people who arent from Flinders, but basically:
I HAVE CALVES OF STEEL!
Also, on the way home I almost wound up as a hood ornament on some guys car when he failed to give way at the South Road/Flagstaff Road intersection. I was turning left on the green signal, he decided to turn right early and almost kill me. It required some fancy lane changing.